And Just Like That…

IMG_5010And Just Like That…

Almost 6 months have passed since I last spent some time writing here. 6 months in which some days have dragged with mundane tasks and repetitive ritual, but where mostly time has flown and disappeared into that immeasurable black hole where time goes, never to be recaptured.

Time is always on my mind. The spending of time, the losing of time, time moving, time wasting and always, always the attempt to save and stop time, or at the very least, slow it down for just a moment or more…

So much has happened in these 6 months – children have grown, relationships have developed, books have been read, wine consumed (mostly in responsible quantities!), friends have been visited, jobs have been left and started, news has been received – both good and the not so very good, decisions have been made, fresh directions explored and new paths tentatively started upon…

The past 6 months have felt so hard and draining at times – politically and socially our world feels vulnerable and this is echoed in my own life where beloved family members have been unwell and challenging work places have made me question what the hell I am doing? Why? For whom? It feels more important than ever to make my own decisions and to make them count.

In another 6 months from now my Sweet Pea will be almost ready to start “big school” – the next big adventure in her life, and ours. She is so ready for this next step but me – well, maybe not so much! In one way I am so excited for her to take her next leap into a world of learning and friendship but in other, achingly painful ways I want to keep her close by – continue to nurture her and our relationship – this once quite tenuous and fragile bond that seems to only get stronger the more she grows and the more I let go of my (mostly) unrealistic ideas of what it means to be a mother. As I said to one friend not so long ago – it feels as though she is leaving just as I am beginning to quite like her!

So here’s to the next 6 months – let’s make the best of them!

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Seeing Beyond The Rolls

family-photo

The first thing my eyes draw to when I see this gorgeous photo are the rolls around my belly, my thighs, my boobs. I can’t help it. Even with my new found (supposed!) body confidence and “who gives a fuck attitude?” I can’t help but gaze at myself with a critical, judging eye. It is almost 42 years of practice contained in that first gaze – hone in on the flaws, seek out what you don’t like and then focus, focus, focus… It’s a hard habit to break.

But break it I will.

Because my second, third and fourth looks see so much more.

I see a happy family. A family who loves and cares for each other. I see a moment of joy, affection and tenderness captured perfectly. I see fun and spontaneity. I see a father adoring his daughter and a mother sneaking a kiss that otherwise might not be given. I see connection and togetherness. I see a vibrant, happy little girl feeling safe and loved and celebrated.

I was actually dreading this photo shoot and almost even cancelled it. The day leading up to it had been a kind of hell. Major meltdowns and tantrums, frustrations boiling over, feelings of inadequacy as a parent – why couldn’t I make her happy? Why was she so angry? I said to Dave as we were trying to get dressed and ready in the midst of screaming and tears, “I don’t even want this photo shoot, all it’s going to show is an unhappy, pissed off family!”.

But, I took a deep breath, threw on the first clothes I came across, let Miss Sweet Pea choose clothes from the dirty pile – and walked out the door.

Look what I would have missed if I hadn’t pushed through?? A moment in time that reminds me there is deep, beautiful love and happiness in my life amongst the loud, chaotic and turbulent mess it often feels like. I’m not going to let a few rolls make me miss that.

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