This Friday I am heading to Melbourne for a fun weekend away with one of my best friends and a long awaited catch up with my very first friend. I have been looking forward to it and dreading it with equal measure for the longest time.
I love Melbourne and I am looking forward to experiencing it with one of my closest friends. We have planned high tea, shopping, walking, eating and drinking – all of those things that are made even more enjoyable with a beautiful friend. I am also very much looking forward to seeing my oldest friend – the friend I have known since I was 6 months old and she was born – the friend who is more like a sister in some ways.
A perfect weekend right?
Except for the feelings of guilt that seem to accompany me on a full time basis these days – sometimes hidden beneath the surface and at other times rearing its ugly head in the most visceral of ways.
The guilt has been washing over me in bucket loads over the past few days. Guilt about leaving my Sweet Pea, guilt about leaving my partner to be a solo parent for the weekend, guilt about doing something for me, guilt for feeling excited about jumping on a plane and flying far, far away…
This year has been a tough one for our little family. Nothing tragic or dramatic – just life changes thrown on us, things out of our control forcing us to make plans that we didn’t plan on having to make. These things have taken their toll and some days the three of us collapse into an exhausted, frustrated heap – all of us trying to accept what has become but rallying against it at the same time.
Enter the guilt. My guilt that I get to escape this for just a little while. And it is all my guilt – coming from a space within me that tells me I should be at home. With my family. Always.
And I know this is bullshit. And completely impractical. And far from healthy. And yet still the guilt comes.
So for this weekend instead of trying to run away from the guilt I’m going to pack it in my suit case along with my favourite jeans and a pair of heels. It’s coming along anyway, I may as well make it comfortable! Instead of trying to ignore, deny and run from the guilt I’m going to pick it up and run with it. It’s here. It’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
But it’s not going to be the boss. It’s not going to run my weekend and drag me down. I accept it’s coming along for the ride but it’s not the in driver’s seat. I am – and I’m going to feel the guilt and do it anyway.