Yep, Just one

This post from Lauren really struck a chord with me – and a lot of other woman around the place. Lauren tells the “shocking” story of a mother with two boys who is now pregnant with her third child getting “the comments”. You know the ones telling her she should be hoping for a girl because heaven help her if she has three boys!!

What is it about a woman’s pregnant state (or lack thereof) that makes people think they can rain their thoughts, comments and judgements down upon her?

My situation is a little different to the woman in Lauren’s post. I don’t have two boys, or even one boy. And I am not pregnant with my third child, or my second. And I never plan to be. My partner and I decided long ago that we only wanted to have one child. And we have her. And she is awesome.

But apparently that isn’t good enough for some people. And by some people I mean family, friends, workmates, family of friends and even complete strangers. Some of the comments we have had flung in our general direction include:

“Oh you have to give her a playmate”.

” She’ll be so lonely”.

“You’re so selfish for only having one child”

“Really? You’ll change your mind”

“Well, you never know, accidents do happen”

and my personal favourite, “That’s just not normal”. I have no words.

No, actually I have a lot of fucking words!

To start with – it’s none of your fucking business!! The last time I looked only children were not listed as a risk factor in the child protection system!! We are not putting our child in mortal danger by not providing her with a sibling. It’s a choice we have made. A choice we are entitled to make. Why we have made it is not anyone’s business but our own. I’m happy to talk about that choice with people who truly want to listen but I will never justify it – and nor should I need to.

How about you? Have you had your personal choices questioned?

12 Comments

12 Comments on Yep, Just one

  1. Holly (2 Kids and Tired)
    November 15, 2014 at 5:36 am (3 years ago)

    Yes. I have! It kills me that people think they have a right to question the choices people make to have or not have children. We have two boys. I would have loved to have had a couple more but, long story short, two is all we could have. I actually had a woman tell me that “you’ve only multiplied, you haven’t replenished” when I said I had two children. I was floored. Seriously. My mom remembers going to the doctor’s office to have her 4th pregnancy confirmed (1974) and having the nurse ask her if she wanted to keep the baby. My parents already had three girls and other people would say, “Oh, trying for a boy are we?” (That 4th baby was my youngest sister. No, they weren’t trying.) I have a girlfriend who has 7 children, by choice. She was often asked when they were going to finally stop.

    I have friends who have chosen not to have children. I have friends who range from having one or two children to 8 or 9 and every number in between. It’s no one’s business. Period.

    Reply
    • KAB18
      November 20, 2014 at 7:25 pm (3 years ago)

      Oh.my.god. I have never heard the “you haven’t replenished” bullshit before!! How on earth did you respond to that???

      Reply
      • Holly (2 Kids and Tired)
        December 14, 2014 at 6:20 am (3 years ago)

        I ignored it. We were at a church dinner no less and I just let the conversation move on to other things. It shocked me so much that I didn’t have words. Ms. Snarky would have said, “Well, not all of us can pop out 6 kids, just like you did.” But, even now, I don’t know what I would have said to her that wasn’t rude and unkind. I’ve gotten to know her better through church and I honestly don’t think she meant it to be cruel, but it took me a long time to even want to be around her.

        Reply
  2. Ling @ Ling Out Loud
    November 15, 2014 at 1:36 pm (3 years ago)

    Now that my baby girl is turning one next month, I’m getting a LOT of comments… time I should have another one… make it a boy this time… complete the family… blah blah…. SUPER ANNOYING!

    Reply
    • KAB18
      November 20, 2014 at 7:26 pm (3 years ago)

      It is incredibly annoying isn’t it?? I hate how I am usually so polite to people too (I’m usually screaming inside the things I actually want to be saying to them!!).

      Reply
  3. Kirsty @ My Home Truths
    November 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm (3 years ago)

    Comment like that make my blood boil. My first child was born with albinism and I had so many people with my subsequent pregnancies ask me if I was going to be tested for it. or the comments on why we were having more kids when we already had one with special needs. Honestly everyone – mind your own business…

    Reply
    • KAB18
      November 20, 2014 at 7:26 pm (3 years ago)

      Couldn’t agree more Kirsty!

      Reply
  4. Sonia Life Love Hiccups
    November 16, 2014 at 5:38 pm (3 years ago)

    Yep I used to get it a lot when I had just one and it used to drive me crazy. Then when I had two boys and was pregnant again people used to say Oh I hope its a girl… why what is it to them whatI have or anyone has. I am totally ok with polite questions… but in your face opinions and comments. Nuh uh. Not on ! xx

    Reply
    • KAB18
      November 20, 2014 at 7:28 pm (3 years ago)

      I don’t know what it is that makes people feel they have the right to voice their values and ideas about child birth?? And I used to think it was just women who got these comments but my partner gets them all the time too…

      Reply
  5. Tamara
    November 19, 2014 at 10:30 pm (3 years ago)

    My partner and I choose to have no children – no biological reason – just a choice to not bring children into this world and to concentrate on helping those who are here. Boy, when I was younger did I get the looks! not too many questions, but the looks – especially when people asked ‘and do you have children?’ my simple answer was always a ‘No, no children’. There were those who felt it was OK to ask ‘when?’… they’ll be waiting a long time. Now I support 100+ girls in a remote indian village – they too ask me about my children – only to be reminded they are my girls…..in todays world individual choice is supported to some extent, but we’re still a traditional society on other areas.

    Reply
  6. KAB18
    November 20, 2014 at 7:28 pm (3 years ago)

    You are a beautiful example of mothering T. Giving birth does not make a mother. xx

    Reply
  7. melissa
    December 3, 2014 at 9:25 am (3 years ago)

    I think its annoying too. I have two kids and i hated being pregnant. Its not something that dinner would want to again.. i love live love my kids but i will put my body through wha i want to put it through plus as u said no ones Damn business.

    Reply

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